Please please please?

Part 1

Read the first draft of a paragraph written by a student. Then read the revised version that follows it. Compare the two versions, and then answer the questions.

First Draft

I have always loved to perform. My parents tell me that when I was only three years old, I would put on a show for anyone. When I was in the fifth grade, I had a part in the school Christmas pagent. I really enjoyed the applause my little song received. In my sophomore year in high school I got a part in the spring revue. I performed in it and also helped write it.The audience seemed to love it. I knew that entertaining people was what I wanted to do.

Revision

I have always loved to perform. My parents tell me that when I was only three years old, I would entertain anyone who would listen. When I was in the fifth grade, I had a part in the school Christmas pageant. I really enjoyed the applause my little performance received. Even more, I loved the laughter that came from the audience. In my sophomore year in high school I got a part in the spring revue. I not only performed in it, but also helped write what I hoped would be a funny skit. The waves of laughter from the audience told me that both the skit and I were, indeed, funny. It was then that I knew that making people laugh was what I wanted to do.

1.What misspelled word was corrected in the revised version?

2.What transitional expression was added to the last sentence?

3.What change in the fifth sentence of the revision gives the paragraph a more specific focus?

4.What change in the second-to-last sentence makes clear what the writer learned from the experience?

5.Tell in your own words why the revised paragraph is an improvement on the first draft.

Please please please?home theatre

do it yourself

Please please please?ballet theater opera theater

you are lazy, aren't you?
In the time it took you to type all that out, you could have done it yourself.
1.Pageant

2.The waves of laughter from the audience told me that both the skit and I were, indeed, funny

3.The addition of the fifth sentence changes the scope of entertainment that was “what I always wanted to do” from performance to comedy.

4.The beginning and end of the sentence, “The waves of laughter” and “the skit and I were, indeed, funny.” They indicate the change from wanting to generally entertain to wanting to focus on one form of entertainment.

5.It provides specific transition. The first shows a na?ve indication to be a part of “entertainment.” The revision shows the application of logic to mature that want to be an entertainer into a more specialized focus.